Family Forte: Coaching Success at Every Level

by: Topher Wiles

     It doesn’t matter what level or type of team you coach; success takes persevering hope, daily discipline, and a plan for growth.

     Saturday was a blast for our middle school Vision church league basketball team as they took the championship in their season ending tournament.  For us fans with vested interest, championships are heart-pounding, blood pressure raising, and joyful in victory!  Many of you experienced the same rush as you watched the Warriorettes take the 6AAA District Championship after beating Warren County, Stone Memorial, and Rhea County in the district tournament.  Maybe you felt it when the Warriors beat Cookeville in their 85-75 win in the district tournament last Friday night. (As of this writing, the high school boys basketball team has yet to play the championship game.)  For our boys on Vision team B17 with the orange jerseys, the final buzzer was one of the best moments of their young lives.

Pictured from left to right:
Front Row: Ethan Wiles (Sparta), Seth Smith (Manager, Cookeville), Michael Brown (Sparta), Canaan Smith (Cookeville), Peyton Paul (Cookeville)
Back Row: Topher Wiles (Coach, Sparta), William Fields (Cookeville), Will Stockton (Sparta), Caden Morrison (Cookeville), Gabriel Wiles (Sparta), Andy Paul (Assistant Coach, Cookeville)

     The season didn’t start so well though.  The orange shirts began our season playing the toughest and biggest team in the league.  The team with the green jerseys came out popping 3 pointers against our 2-1-2 zone and quickly squashed us in the season opener.  One of our primary guards even broke his arm requiring surgery during this first game, further disheartening our boys.  This opposing green team did the same to every other team in the league and beat us two more times during the regular season going undefeated, although we kept narrowing the score difference each time.  Our boys were beyond excited to have the higher score at the end of the championship game!  Was it a superior talent that took us to the number one spot?  No.  Was it lucky long range shooting?  Not even close.  Did we pray harder?  Maybe, but I doubt God was that interested in the outcome; besides, their coach is a church minister too.  What took our team of boys to the top was a persevering hope, daily discipline, and a plan for growth. 

     Years ago, an old coach taught me that you don’t practice to win, you practice to get better.  If you’re getting better, you’ll beat the lower ranked teams.  If you’re getting better faster than everyone else, you’ll beat the highest level teams.  With that mindset, we decided that each and every practice we entered into from the beginning of the season to the end would contain a message of hope from scripture, an expectation of high discipline for the practice, and a full practice plan for growth. (Special thanks to the Jr NBA website for their amazing practice plans!  https://jr.nba.com/)  While it took a lot of time for us as a coaching staff to develop messages, discipline, and plans, the joyful hugs and high fives at the buzzer were worth it all!

(Enjoy a few seconds of the on court battle here as recorded by Ashley Wiles)

     I’ve been part of the coaching staff of twenty-six teams. (http://www.topherwiles.com/p/coaching.html) It didn’t matter if I was coaching high school bowling or little league baseball; public school tennis, or church league basketball.   It didn’t matter if I was an assistant coach, the head coach, or a player coach.  It didn’t matter what level at which I was coach or playing;  success took persevering hope, daily discipline, and a plan for growth from players and coaches.  I bet Coach Dodgen of the district champion White County Warriorettes and Coach Mitchell of the winning Warriors would agree.  (P.S. – Good luck in the championship game fellas!)

     The same coaching principal of persevering hope, daily discipline, and planning for growth is what has built up the Wiles Family Forte over the years.  While your particulars may be different than ours, I believe these coaching principles will bless your family too!   

     Our family begins every day with a message of hope.  We begin our day with a scripture reading plan that reminds us of the enduring victory of Jesus throughout the ages.  It is that positive motivating message of God’s Holy Word that starts us on a daily high note that helps us overcome the obstacles, setbacks, and temporary losses that God throws our way.  Hope is what helps us topple the giants that stand in our way of enjoying the promises set before us.  Just like a coach includes a message of hope in every practice, so you too can reach toward family success by including God’s hope for abundant life in each day.

     Daily discipline has been a struggle throughout the years, but yet we cling our structure and order to help us achieve betterment every day.  Whether it is in our Dave Ramsey guided money principals, healthier eating influenced by nutrition gurus, regular intake of scripture at every meal, church services multiple times a week, or routine exercise at the White County YMCA, our family daily discipline mirrors what coaches expect out of their players through the season for success.  We aren’t by any means perfect, but we see regular results that routinely make us smile.  Expect daily discipline in your family just like a caring coach expects of their team and watch the success flow. 

     Finally, purposefully family planning of our time together has been one of our most joyful pieces of the success puzzle.  Between planning date nights for Ashley and I, scheduling service projects together, saying “no” to extra sports seasons so that we can have quality home time, and throwing the TV out the door (we got rid of it over a decade ago), we have been blessed in our plan for growth to treat our family time like a team practice, making the most of our moments together. 

     In the end, it doesn’t matter whether you are coaching a team or leading a family; success takes persevering hope, daily discipline, and a plan for growth.  Friends, we look forward to seeing God grow your Family Forte and all the success that follows.

“He must manage his own family well … and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect.” – from 1 Timothy 3:4

For more info on the Church of Christ sponsored Vision basketball league based out of Cookeville, go here: https://www.visionbasketball.com/

The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength.  Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself.  If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.spartacoc.com.

Family Forte: Respect is Deserved

by: Topher Wiles

Our families need respect practiced and modeled.  I’ve lived long enough to watch a decline in the cycle of respect in religious, political, educational, entertainment, and familial cultures in America.  I believe that much of the same people who complained about the lack of respect given to Barack Obama are many of those who are unwilling to give respect to Donald Trump, and vice versa.  Our world follows a mantra that believes respect is earned, and I have witnessed that the requirements to earn it are near impossible. 

Photo Credit: https://etiquettejulie.com/respect-incivility/

I found these eye-opening statistics in a Today Show article from 2009 titled, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Where has it gone?”  “Nearly eight in ten Americans (79 percent) say a lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem, and most people say it’s getting worse (60 percent). Seventy-three percent say we used to treat one another with greater respect.”  From an educators poll on CNBC.com in 2019 of 556 teachers in America, 50% of teachers have considered leaving their profession, and a full 10% of those cite “lack of respect” as the primary reason.  Yes, lack of respect is a major problem.

Yet, there is hope for our families and our culture, and hope begins at home. 

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me."  Aretha Franklin attracted droves of followers with these lyrics in her passionate pop plea for honorable treatment.  As you look through Aretha's 1967 lyrics, you do indeed find out her meaning of respect.  Respect seems to be giving Mrs. Franklin her "propers" in her relationship with her spouse.  She defines respect as being maritally faithful and giving her spouse full honesty.  Her song is a movement discovering respect through her experience of family life.  Faithful honesty is a great starting definition of respect, but R-E-S-P-E-C-T is even more. 

The Biblical word “honor” is synonymous with our word, “respect”.  It means to give something weight, attention, priority, nobility, or richness.  Honor is something we typically give to people who have earned it such as our parents, spouses, and leaders, but Jesus came to show us a better way.  In the Bible we are told not only  to "You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man,"  (Lev 19:32a) and "Honor your father and mother,” (Ex 20:12) but we are also told in the New Testament to, "Honor everyone." (1 Pet 2:17a) 

When Peter penned those words, I’m sure he struggled with them.  Remember, it was Peter swung his sword to cut off someone’s ear at Jesus’ arrest. (Matt 27)  As he writes these words he is living in a world in which his faith, his friends, and his church is being persecuted.  In the same letter that he says, “Honor everyone” he also shares, “Beloved, don’t be surprised at the fiery trial that comes upon you…” (1 Pet 4:12).  Yes, even when being mistreated, the disciples of Jesus call followers to honor everyone.  Jesus came to show us that EVERYONE deserves our honor and respect.  People deserve to be given faithfulness, honesty, attention, priority, nobleness, and richness because they are made in God’s image. (James 3:6-10)

In our current culture, respect is a gift deserved by all but given by few.  Recently I was struck by one of those few as I witnessed the respect of an elderly gentlemen right smack dab in the middle of Sparta, TN.  After preaching a funeral, I drove my beater of a truck right behind the hearse on the way to the cemetery north of town.  Some people kept driving on the opposite side of the road as the funeral procession came north on Spring St.  Most cars pulled over out of respect.  Yet one gentleman went beyond, pulled his car over, stood outside of it, and held his hat over his heart while we passed.  What did our procession do to receive that respect?  Nothing.  He was simply living out the New Testament words, “Honor everyone.”   What a beautiful model of respect to all the families in the funeral procession!

I believe the cultural cycle of respect can reach an upward swing again and I believe it begins in the family.   Here are a few ideas we can start with. With toddlers you can teach respect for others by enforcing unselfish play, putting a few coins in charity boxes or in the collection plate at church, or saying a prayer together for others.  When you prompt them to say “Thank you” or open the door for others, you are building a culture of respect.  As your children develop conversationally, discourage disparaging remarks about others, even in private.  Build respect by working “thank you” notes into their regular routine or schedule acts of service in just as often as you schedule sporting events.  Remind your teens that their clothing choices are a way to show respect of unspoken (or written) standards, whether at school, parties, or church.  Yes, respect can be taught at home.

    Yet, I remind you that we, as parents, aunts, uncles, educators, and community leaders need to do the exact same things in our lives to model respect for children.   If we model respect and teach families to rise above this dog-eat-dog world to give respect to everyone, we will see a change in the world around us.  Respect begins at home.  May you be successful in joining others to build again a community and culture of respect.  

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, this is what it means to me. 

"Show proper respect to everyone." (1 Peter 2:17a NIV)

The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength.  Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself.  If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.spartacoc.com.

Family Forte: Encouragement over Exasperation

by: Ashley Wiles

Have you ever been the recipient of a random act of kindness?  Something that makes your jaw drop, heart smile, and eyes water?  We had such an experience this weekend when we went to Chattanooga to celebrate my birthday.  We spent the afternoon at the Creative Discovery Museum and delighted in time spent with our children.  We explored, made music, created art, played, and learned, and it was such fun! To top off our excellent afternoon together, we decided to have dinner before heading back to Sparta.  At the restaurant, our server seated us next to an older couple who were enjoying a quiet dinner. I couldn’t help but wonder if the couple cringed when they saw a family with four children being seated next to them!  We turned our attention to ordering and then spent time as a family chatting together. We talked about all the fun we’d had at the museum, brainstormed other ways to solve the engineering tasks we’d experienced, and even challenged each other with mental math problems (yes, we’re nerds).  Midway through our meal, the couple behind us rose to leave, but the woman stopped by our table. “Excuse me,” she said. “It’s so nice to see a family out enjoying themselves without electronics.” We were surprised and thanked her before continuing with our meal. Dining out with children can be an adventure, and hearing someone praise them was a blessing to our hearts.  As we finished our food and shared a piece of birthday pie, our server approached us with a surprise. Imagine our shock to learn that the couple I had been concerned about disturbing had paid for our meal! We had never seen them before and wouldn’t recognize them if we saw them again, but they showed kindness to our family with a generous gift, kind words, and a simple note they left, saying “Bless your family.”  We appreciated their generosity so much (dinner out for a family of six is not cheap), but what meant the most was that they took the time to speak kindly to us about the good that they saw. My already-great birthday was even better because someone chose encouragement rather than exasperation. 

Similarly, my friend Tara spoke recently of an older gentleman who approached her in Walmart as she was corralling her children. He told her that she was doing the most important job in the world, and then he blessed her and wished her to be filled with the fruits of the Spirit.  She later said that his words were worth more than a million dollars to her. Parents who have ever run the gauntlet of the grocery store with their children can recognize what a blessing he was to her. Instead of assuming that three little boys were a handful, he recognized that they were a gift and cared enough to speak words of light and love to a mother working hard to care for them. 

I’ve thought a lot about the power of encouragement since then.  Isn’t it true that an encouraging word at just the right time can make a huge difference?  When I have been working through a tough situation, a word of criticism can be so deflating. Conversely, a word of encouragement provides a boost to my spirits that helps me get through the challenge.

I will admit that my default setting is criticism.  If I’m not careful, my running dialogue with my children has a tendency to be: 

“Stop.”

“Don’t do that.”

“That’s not nice.”

“We don’t act that way.”

“No.”

Of course, correction is necessary, but it needs to be part of a balanced diet that’s sprinkled liberally with words of encouragement.  When I receive encouraging words about my parenting, it lightens my heart, puts a spring in my step, and makes me want to do an even better job. I must take care not to forget that my children will have the same reaction if I call out the good I see in them.  Our day together goes much more smoothly if our dialogue sounds more like this:

“I like how you shared your toy.”

“I am proud of you for standing up for your friend.”

“I saw how you controlled your anger.”

“Thank you for putting away your dishes without being asked.”

“Thank you for the hug.”

I challenge you to find a way to encourage someone today - your spouse, your children, or even a stranger in Walmart.  It is wonderful if you are in the position to give a financial blessing, but even more important are the words you offer, and they don’t cost a dime. Let’s give the people around us the gift of kind and gracious words.  Let’s choose encouragement over exasperation.

Proverbs 16:24: “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”

The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength.  Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself.  If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.spartacoc.com.

Family Forte: 13 Ways to Love Your Teenager

by: Topher Wiles

Photo Credit: Fascinate.com

Glory Hallelujah, we’ve reached the teenage years!  I know, I know, the teenage years for many are worse than a cat’s tail stuck in the screen door.  Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way; God intended abundant life during the teenage years too.  In honor of Gabriel’s 13th birthday, here are 13 family strengthening ideas I’ve stashed away in my teenage preparation toolbox.

13. Invest Time in Your Teen – Gabriel still loves creating Legos masterpieces.  However, I’m more interested in how he’s progressed in his Microsoft Excel tutorials in school.  In my time serving as a high school math teacher and church youth minister I watched the hands of time tick down on teenagers seeking their parent’s attention and approval.  For his confidence growth, whenever he wants to share his newest Picasso artform in Lego medium, I need to invest time in listening and marveling at his passionate progress in Legos more than Excel.   

12. Say You’re Sorry – Adults, we stink at uttering the simple words, “I’m sorry.”  When I remind myself that my goal with my son is to raise an adult who loves God and the community around him, I am struck by how much he needs to see adult skills modeled in me.  That means apologizing when I’m running late, short on my temper, or selfish in my time.  Adult skills take adult examples to learn and a father is a perfect place for the learning to deepen.

Ashley's chocolate cherry 13th
birthday cake was good!

11. Have Fun – Teenagers have so much energy, so many big dreams, and a desire to shirk responsibility to play.  Why not shirk responsibility together?  Yes, my kids have frequently heard my mantra, “Work first, play later.”  They’ll probably write it on my tombstone when I’m gone.  I won’t let go of that mantra lightly, but I do make exceptions to go create some fun with my son because he needs it.  Go check out Willard Harley’s chapter on recreational companionship and a man’s need for it in “His Needs, Her Needs.”  Then go have some fun with your teen.

10. Maintain Your Authority – I am not my son’s best friend.  I am not my son’s best friend.  I am not my son’s best friend.  I am my son’s parent.  Enough said.

9. Reward Maturity with Freedom – When he gets that legendary license freedom that begins with being home by 9pm, I’ll extend his nightly curfew when he shows the maturity of being home on time.  Give more freedom when they demonstrate repeated growth with mature decisions.

8. Connect Them to God – Teens need hope more now than ever that there exists something bigger than them and their world experience.  You can connect them to God by continuing to read the Bible with them, take nature walks with them, slow down to meditate with them, serve with them, and fast with them about the decisions of life.   As you connect with God personally in your life, invite them to the same.

7. Connect Them to Other Adults – If their entire world is made up of teenage life, teenage peers, and teenage media, they are living in the confines of a very small bubble missing out on some of the great blessings a broader life has to offer.  Involve them in civic organizations, church leadership teams, or multigenerational workforces in a business.  It truly does take a village to raise a child.

6. Run at Their Pace – Sometimes I run 5k races to win and sometimes I run to help train others to win.  If I’m training others, I can’t bolt out of a starting line and leave them, expecting them to catch up later.  Slow your life down a little so you can run beside your teenager through the challenges their experience has to offer. 

Look at Gabriel smile!

5. Be Fertilizer for Ambition – Fertilizer may stink sometimes, but the nutrients it gives provides for growth.  Your progeny may want to only sit and home playing video games and may not want your pushing them on to higher goals, greater adventures, and bigger kingdoms to conquer.  Know your child enough to recognize when they need a boost and fertilize that ambition.

4. Be Soil for Deep Roots – Don’t let them chase every passing adventure in life.  The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.  Remind them when they need to stay in an area and develop deeper roots that will benefit them for years in life by providing stability and strength. 

3. Listen to their Fears – Fear of the future, failure, and loneliness are common in these years.  You may not have all the answers, but God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason.  Listen to your kid. 

Does time fly?
You bet it does, so
enjoy it!

2. Give Up the Lawnmower for a Weedeater – The new term, “Lawnmower Parent” describes those who cut a clear path for their kids to succeed like those parents who paid for cheating test scores so their kids could get into the ivy league schools.  We all struggle with being a lawnmower because we want to help our kids.  Think less about clearing the path in front of them and focus on just clearing some of the unwanted weeds around the edges of life. 

1. Love Them Anyway – Your teens will make mistakes, say things that hurt you, and fail to be perfect.  Love them anyway, because God loves you.

Sometimes I stink at parenting and need to follow my own advice better.  So when you see me as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, remind me of the wisdom learned in this article so I can approach these teenage years as cool as the cat who got the cream.  May you be blessed with Family Forte as you strive to bless your children with abundant life.

“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” – Jesus in John 10:10b

The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength.  Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself.  If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.spartacoc.com.

Family Forte: Socializing and Thriving as Families

By: Topher Wiles

    The question used to surprise us.  Well meaning people who knew our family’s activities would ask the question and I struggled to understand the logic.  Our kids are involved in sports teams, community clubs, outdoors events, the YMCA, our church, a homeschool cooperative, music lessons, and more.  Knowing that, I’m always surprised when someone asks, “Don’t you worry that your homeschool kids aren’t properly socialized?” 

     Since we are well known for our home education efforts, we get quite a few concerned comments about our children being properly “socialized.” Caring people live in fear that we are short-changing our kids without involvement in the standard school system.  I appreciate their care and their willingness to ask.  I guess it is true that there are some homeschoolers who live more like hermits, but that’s definitely not us.  So I try to turn their question to address social isolation for families as a whole.

     My usual response begins by asking, “Did you know I was a public high school algebra teacher?”  Once I’ve solidified common ground that I can talk intelligently about our current education and social structures,  I follow with, “Have you ever seen a socially awkward or isolated student in a standard school?”  They always return with a “Yes, I know a few.”  Sometimes they even admit that they themselves were the awkward one (really, we all went through middleschool and struggled didn’t we?).  Then, I follow by thanking them for their concern and letting them know that positive socialization for all of members of families and the malady of loneliness are important issues to us and to our God, no matter how we receive our education.  If they are willing, we talk about loneliness and what we can do to help.  In my years in public education, I saw more than my fair share of those who struggled with isolation, awkwardness, and feeling out-of-place.  Sadly, I see it even more now in adults than in kids and have seen first hands some of the dangerous affects.

     From the New York Times Article “How Social Isolation IsKilling Us” comes the following eye-opening information of a loneliness plague that is hurting our families in the United States.  Author Dhruv Khullar gives us the following news.

“Since the 1980s, the percentage of American adults who say they’re lonely has doubled from 20 percent to 40 percent. Loneliness is as important a risk factor for early death as obesity and smoking. Socially isolated children have significantly poorer health 20 years later, even after controlling for other factors. Socially isolated individuals have a 30 percent higher risk of dying in the next seven years, and that this effect was largest in middle age. Individuals with less social connection have disrupted sleep patterns, altered immune systems, more inflammation and higher levels of stress hormones. One recent study found that isolation increases the risk of heart disease by 29 percent and stroke by 32 percent. About one-third of Americans older than 65 now live alone, and half of those over 85 do. Loneliness can accelerate cognitive decline in older adults, and isolated individuals are twice as likely to die prematurely as those with more robust social interactions.”

     Social isolation or loneliness is a growing problem in our country in every age range and its negative affects can be clearly seen in the medical and psychological fields.  The good news is, there are quite a few tools you can use to help someone avoid this malady and encourage positive relationships that breath life into their existence.

     The tool I appreciate most for my kids and my wife is the Lord’s church. 

Perhaps God knew all this isolation was debilitating when He inspired this remedy, “(Let us) not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:25) In a day of TV church, Radio church, and Podcast church, nothing can replace the benefits in my children's lives of the face-to-face real Church, which is the gathering of loving people and purposeful encouragement of the of those around you.  Even though we at Central livestream our services on our website, I encourage viewers to meet together as often as is possible.

     God has also given us some other wonderful social constructs such as extended family, civic clubs, and sporting teams.  Ashley and I endeavor to keep our kids involved in a little bit of each.  We love the Vision basketball league in Cookeville that focuses on sportsmanship and positive relationships.  We are excited about the start of a Trail Life program in Sparta later this year (it’s the Christian version of Boy Scouts).  We treasure the moments when we listen to live music and play chess with neighbors at the Coffee Collective in downtown Sparta.  Our local YMCA, where I serve as a board member, is growing to be even more of a positive, healthy, and encouraging environment for all people to enjoy.  God has blessed us with many wonderful ways to develop deep and regular meaningful relationships in our church and community so that we can avoid the harmful affects of social isolation. 

     Just as you push your kids to invest time eating healthy foods and exercise, for the sake of your family, can I push you to also invest time in positive social relationships?  Come experience family love at Central Church of Christ or come see me at the YMCA and I’ll make sure to give you a welcoming smile.  If you are “properly socialized” and know someone who struggles with social isolation, then lovingly and regularly invite them to come along with you.  We’ll give them a big smile too. 
     “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength.  Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself.  If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.spartacoc.com.

Family Forte: Resolve to Achieve a 2020 Vision

by: Topher Wiles

Topher in 1991

Regularly since 1990 I’ve visited that beloved optometrist who puts a funny little machine over my eyes and asks, “Which one is more in focus, one or two?”  In 6th grade I received my first pair of brown and white “turtle-framed” glasses and I got a bad haircut from my older sister’s friend, a combination that set the school year off on the wrong foot.  Yet, I excelled somehow, making much better grades than previous years and developing lasting friendships.  Those grades & friends stayed steadily strong all the way through high school.  Correcting the weaknesses that affected my focus (and getting a better haircut) led to marked improvements in my life.  I know I’m not alone in that learning experience.

Vision that is rated at 20/20 is the standard for clear focus, yet many of us struggle with vision that is much weaker.  When our weaknesses in our eyes cause problems where we can’t focus in the proper place or distance, studies show that it affects us in profound ways.  According to www.allaboutvision.com, the lack of proper focus “can affect learning ability, personality and adjustment in school.”  I was one of those students, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.  In fifth grade, I almost didn’t pass my classes and struggled to get along with my teacher who thought I was lazy.  When my focus was corrected with glasses in 6^th grade I shot to the top of my class with straight A’s. 

Focus and weaknesses are exactly what Paul was referring to when he writes to the church at Colossi, “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” (Colossians 3:2)  Paul lists several weaknesses that inhibited them from focusing on things that are above.  Making the top list of weaknesses from the Colossian past are: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, desire, greed, idolatry (3:5), anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language (3:8).  Indulging in these weaknesses, they were limiting their ability to focus. Indulging in these items were like adding a cataract or a stigmatism to a child’s eyes where they can’t properly focus at school.  The lack of focus greatly impacted their lives.   

New Year’s resolutions are all about focus.  Whether you make 1, 10, or 100 resolutions, make sure those resolutions are focused on “things that are above.”  Then, set goals and make plans to get rid of all those “weaknesses” that inhibit your ability to focus on those heavenly resolutions.   I’d like to suggest a few resolutions that might change your year, your decade, or your life to give you a 2020 focus?

·         Read the entire New Testament, Old Testament, or Bible in 2020.

·         Set a 10 minute time and small place to pray every single day.

·         Identify a child to mentor, empower, or encourage specifically for the year.

·         Search for a church or a non-profit to invest your time and abilities into for the year.

·         Commit time to a family service project for others once per month.

·         Commit to studying with one person in 2020 in the hopes of leading them to the Lord’s salvation.          

If you’ve looked back on the last year or last decade with regret realizing that you had life “out of focus” then now is the perfect time to make the change.  Remove the weaknesses that inhibit you from focusing on “things that are above”.  It will change your life, someone else’s life, and potentially the lives of generations to come.

“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” – Proverbs 4:25-26

The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength.  Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself.  If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.spartacoc.com.

Family Forte: The Heel, the Hercules, and the Humble Hero

By: Topher Wiles

She’s received a litany of gifts from me including a vacuum cleaner, racquetballs, and tickets to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra Concert over our 18 Christmases. Yet, the best gift she can remember has left me at times feeling like a Heel and at other times feeling like a Hercules.  Even better than the way the gift makes me feel is the Humble Hero it reminds me of.  If all that feels cryptic, it’s ok, all will soon be revealed to those of stout heart willing to persevere through the following anecdotal explanations.  The best writings reveal their truth over time, like the unwrapping of a present.

HEEL.  When you feel like a heel you believe you have treated someone unfairly or given them less attention than they deserve in life.  I definitely felt like a big heavy ugly heel the week after Christmas in 2004.  It’s hard not to play the comparison game isn’t it?  In our first Christmas as a married couple we set some stiff limits on our noel spending.  We knew those student loans weren’t going to pay themselves off, so our money discipline led us to declare a $10 spending limit on our gifts.   Now, you and I know that it is completely unfair for a couple 20 year-olds to compare themselves to a married couple with kids in their late 30’s, but that’s exactly the temptation I fell prey to when a sweet lady at church made friendly conversation with my wife.
The inquisitive well-meaning woman asked, “What did Topher buy you for Christmas?” 

“Welding gloves,” was my wife’s reply followed by, “What did your husband buy you?” 

“This jewelry,” she replied.  Do I need to explain anymore why I felt like a heel?

HERCULES.  I’m sure the mythological character, Hercules, felt pretty proud of himself when he slayed the invulnerable lion or toppled the multi-headed hydra.   I imagine him beating his chest, fist bumping friends, and making loud guttural sounds in celebration of his monumental achievements.  I may have done some of the same when I saw my wife’s response to a Facebook survey last week.  The question was, “What was the best Christmas gift you’ve ever been given.”  Her reply was, “Welding gloves.”  Hercules never flexed as big as I did in that moment. 

My wife was a domestic marvel even early on in our marriage.  She poured time and effort into baking the most delicious delights and this newlywed husband was mesmerized by her culinary artistry and beauty like Greeks were enamored with Aphrodite.  Yet, my bride wasn’t perfect and frequently received battle scars in duels with her oven baking racks.  Ashley’s arms were receiving the raw end of the deal as she routinely seared the flesh just beyond the wrists because those beautiful oven mitts just didn’t provide the coverage that my beloved needed.  When I found red welding gloves (yes, the kind that industrial commercial welders used) on Black Friday sale for $8, I was excited.  Their red hues even matched our kitchen décor!  The best part wasn’t the price or the color, but the length of coverage that travelled well up onto her forearms.  The forearm branding ceased during the next decade that she used her Christmas gift of culinary armor.

It’s hard for beaus to buy gifts for their belles.  Some ladies prefer the practical while some appreciate the pretty.  One lady may treasure the thought while another puts priority on a price-tag.  God gave us women who differ in love-languages and present preferences, and that’s just part of the adventure as we strive to buy them the best gift to honor their uniqueness.  Sometimes your gift makes you feel as a hero and sometimes a zero.   This time, my gift was special to my wife because it fit what she needed, matched her décor, appeased the budget, and was a complete surprise.

HUMBLE HERO.  Some of the best gifts in life are the ones you least expected.  That’s exactly why Jesus is the best gift the world has ever seen.  As you slowly unwrap the truth of Jesus through a life of worship, prayer, and study, you start to see just how wonderful of a gift He is.  The world expects a savior like the physically strong and striking Hercules to deliver us but we were surprised instead to receive a man who lacked physical beauty to save us from our sins (Isaiah 53:2).  Jesus’s sacrifice is a gift that costs exactly the price that was required of sin, nothing more and certainly nothing less (Romans 6:23).  Giving of His Son as the Christ was the surprising gift God knew we needed most (Philippians 4:19) which causes us to rejoice (Philippians 4:4).  Jesus is the Humble Hero that became the greatest gift the world has ever known which causes us to declare the same as Paul.

“Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” – 2 Corinthians 9:15

Of all the great gifts you been given, from pretty to practical, fancy to festive, and delicious to delightful, make sure this season to thank God for giving us the Humble Hero of Jesus Christ.

Hunter's Annual Remembrance 2019

The following are some of my notes from Hunter Funeral Home's annual remembrance service here in 2019.
*****
  On behalf of the family at Hunter Funeral Home, I'd like to welcome you to our annual Remembrance time.  I'm Topher Wiles, minister at Central Church of Christ.   The invitation we all received said at the top, "Someone is missing at Christmas."  Those words right there bond us all together in this community.  We've all experienced the loss of someone important in our lives.
This year, there were memorial services for around 150 people here ranging from infants all the way up to 101 years old.  And it doesn't matter, whether young our old, whether you've made a trip to the funeral home 1 time or 10 times this year, when you lose someone special, they are missed throughout your life, but especially this time of year.

The Telling of Three Tree Ornaments

    Grandma Nell was so sweet when she gave us her tree about 16 years ago.  That Christmas tree has seen a lot of years and we were happy to keep putting it up year after year when she no longer could.  As our first Christmas tree in the Wiles family, our ornaments took on the personality of the tree.  We began decorating with mostly hand-me-down ornaments donated by Grandma, my mom, sweet friends, and dirty-Santa game winnings.  Now that old tree is completely filled with memories of sweet times and sweet people long past.  I’d like to tell you about three of our ornaments that will bless some families this year who may find some struggling moments during the Christmas holiday season.

     One of my favorite ornaments to put on the tree makes me laugh out loud as it comes with a story.  As we pull this delicate ornament out of the box my kids wait expectantly on the edge of their seat for the coming hilarity of the story.  During our first Christmas together as husband and wife, my Ashley decided to cheaply make ornaments for our tree.  Her chosen materials for the ornament were cinnamon and apple sauce.  Did you know you can bake them together to make a cute star shape, bell, or heart through which ribbon can be threaded?  Yes, we have cinnamon based ornaments that have been on our tree for 15 years.  And they taste horrible.  I would know, because 15 years ago I took a bite out of one of those ornaments.  They may smell sweet, but they taste like dirt.  My kids laugh every year as I tell the story of my ornament tasting time.  Some ornamental memories make us laugh.

      I have another ornament that I alone get to hang on the tree near the top.  It’s a little blue plastic star framing a nativity scene.  It’s not anything special, but with a family that doesn’t profess or practice a lot of religious faith, my late Grandma Marge’s makes me smile as it signifies her own belief in Christ.  She hung it every year at the top of her tree, and that ornament is one of the few things I have left from my grandma who passed away 24 years ago.  When I hang the ornament I remember the sweet times of eating chicken pot pie at the bar in her kitchen or visiting the humane society where she worked.  Some ornamental memories make us smile.

     There is another ornament that completely caught me off guard.  My mom was always crafty and handmade so many things for us kids through our years.  Annually, my mom would handmake a few new ornaments on our tree, most of them were odd, like crocheted lollipops or paper stars, but I kept them every year anyway and dutifully hung them on the tree.  When mom passed away in May a couple years ago, I didn’t think a thing about those Christmas ornaments until I started hanging them on the tree six months later.  I pulled out the pink crocheted lollipop and was surprised as tears started welling up in my eyes.  I had cried little over mom’s passing, as I’ve been a minister and hospital chaplain for years, often comforting others in the passing of their loved ones.  Yet here I was six months later breaking down in tears remembering mom and all her handmade ornaments.  Some ornamental memories make us cry.

     Laughing, smiling, and crying are all perfectly normal emotions during the holiday season as we remember the good times, the sweet people, and the lives that we miss.  If you are struggling through missing a loved one this Christmas season, I want you to know that it is perfectly ok to experience all of those emotions.  There is a song on youtube from the Piano Guys and Craig Evans called “The Sweetest Gift” that will help you in expressing all those emotions.  Simply search for that song title and artists and you’ll be blessed with a song that expresses some of our tough sentiments. 

There's a stanza I love in that song. 

The memories flood my mind

As I place your ornament upon our tree

Although this year I have a broken heart

It gives me hope and joy as I remember where you are

One of the best services I attended this year was simply a service of remembering.  It was for an older fella who played a joke on my family one time with his brother.  That service of remembering was for Joe Pat Clark.  Oh, it was funny, it was heart warming, it was endearing.  We all left grateful for investing time there to honor Joe Pat and his family.  What I'll remember most about Joe Pat is how he looked like Santa Clause at the Holidays. 

What you remember about your loved ones at the holidays?

     I remember my mom buying me a nerf gun every year for Christmas even when I was an adult.  

     Remembering the good times while we acknowledge our grief can be very healing. 

I think David had Jeduthn do just the same thing in Psalm 77:1-13a as he laments the tough times, but ends on remembering the good times God has given. 

I cried out to God for help;

    I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

    at night I stretched out untiring hands,

    and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

    I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.

4 You kept my eyes from closing;

    I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,

    the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.

    My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?

    Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

    Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

    the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works

    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.

Beyond simply recalling a memory, what else can we do to honor a loved one this time of year?  Here are a few ideas.

What you can do:

• Serve others in their name
• Make a donation to their favorite charity in their name
• Set a vase of their loved one’s favorite flowers in front of an empty chair
• Share a memory of their loved one and observe a moment of silence before enjoying their holiday meal. 
• Prepare your loved one's favorite dish from their recipe for the holiday meal.
• In our church, we purchase poinsettias in honor of those who have passed as a reminder of special memories with them.
• Create a scrapbook of items that remind you of your loved one.
• Visit the grave-site
• Watch their favorite movie or TV show or listen to their favorite song. 
• Now, What are some of your ideas to honor your loved one?

One of the best ways we can honor them is to live a life they would be proud of.  Linda Ellis expresses that well in her 1996 poem titled, The Dash. 

I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone,

from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,

the cars…the house…the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.

Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what’s true and real

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect

and more often wear a smile,

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,

with your life’s actions to rehash…

would you be proud of the things they say

           about how you spent YOUR dash?

Linda  Ellis captures one of the best ways we can honor someone else, through how we live our lives.

I believe the person we should strive to honor most of all is Jesus Christ.  John 14:1-6a expresses well what He's done for us that is worthy of honor. 

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” 5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” 6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life."

Jesus has provided us a way to the Father's house.  May we remember Him and honor Him with our lives this holiday season.

In honor of those who have passed away, here are my screenshots set to background music of 3 songs.
Supermarket Flowers - by Ed Sheeran
Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven
Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

You can probably find Hunter's professional video by clicking the link here: https://www.hunterfuneralhome.net/


My prayer for you this holiday season is that you find God's peace during this season as you remember those you miss.  God bless you.