Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Family Forte: Bumpers May Hold You Back

 Family Forte: Bumpers May Hold You Back

by: Topher Wiles

Micah enjoys his birthday at Bowling World!

Bowling is one of the few active indoor events we’ve gotten to enjoy as a family during the pandemic. For both Micah and Gabriel’s birthday this winter, the Wiles family has made our way up to the uncrowded lanes in Cookeville to knock down a few plastic coated wooden pins. Maybe my past coaching of high school bowling teams has filled me with positive feelings toward maple board planks and crashing pins.  But not everyone shares that love. One time, Ethan wasn’t too happy about the bowling prospect at all. 

Walking up to the lane, I didn’t notice that the bumpers were down.  Ethan carefully selected his 7lb ball while I tied my bowling shoes and dutifully put our initials into the electronic scorecard.  I looked up from toweling my bowling ball, and Ethan’s orange polyurethane projectile was already making its way down the lane to find four pins.  “Nice job big man; you did that without a bumper,” I offered as casual encouragement.

Immediately he froze and asked, “Dad can you put the bumpers up?” I could see his growing wide-eyed fear of throwing a gutterball once I pointed out that he wasn’t using a bumper.

It took several minutes to calm him down saying, “I think you’re fine without bumpers.  I’ll teach you how to keep it in the middle of the lane.  Try and roll another one straight, and we’ll see how it goes.” 

Reluctantly, Ethan threw his next ball.  To his surprise, my second-born picked up two more pins and a slowly big grin emerged on his face.  For the rest of the hour, we worked on a consistent starting spot, a smooth approach, and a solid follow through while using no bumpers.  While he only scored 74 with one spare in that game, I made sure to congratulate him on leaving no open frames, having knocked down at least 1 pin each of his 10 opportunities.

Later he thanked me, and to my surprise, Ethan shared, “I liked knocking over 74 pins without a bumper!” I was proud of Ethan, and it had nothing to do with the score.  My pride swelled because of my son’s willingness to trust and his joy at overcoming a challenge.  

I like bowling without the bumper’s too.  As a bowling coach, I purchased my own shoes, my own rolling bag, and my own bowling ball drilled perfectly to fit my hand.  I learned to throw a nice hook that swung out wide to the edge of the lane and then broke back toward the right pocket of the headpin for a strike.  My scores were great, averaging in the 180’s… except when I went bowling with my young children and shared their lane with the bumpers.  When the bumper was up, I struggled to break 100.  Why was that?  With a bumper up, I couldn’t throw my ball out wide across the boards for a hook, maximizing the potential of my game. It gets so bad that the bumper messes with my head and I frequently jerk the ball left to avoid sliding against that guard rail.  The bumpers hold me back.

What bumpers are holding you back from enjoying the best God has for you in life? For some of us, we have these imaginary bumper guard rails we put up in life to protect us from throwing a gutterball, but they end up holding us back instead.

Perhaps you struggle with the “perfectionism bumper.”  This is the bumper that hinders us from enjoying some of the best people or the best moments in life.   Waiting for the “perfect person” or the “perfect moment” with no imperfections causes us to miss out on the good things around us.  American psychologist Ann Schaef said, “Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.” Maybe it’s your time to grow by putting down the perfect bumper that’s been protecting you from the occasional gutterball so that you can throw more strikes in life.

Maybe you struggle with the “worry bumper.”  Some people put this bumper up as a defense to protect from the uncertainties of money, relationships, and even faith experiences.  For instance, some people struggle to step foot in a church because they worry what everyone will think.  Don’t let the worry bumper cause decision paralysis where you fail to even roll a ball down the lane of life.  Learn and grow as you put the worry bumper down, knowing that the occasional gutterball won’t sink your score.   

Could you struggle with the “predictability bumper?”  That is the bumper we put up whenever we fear changes in life.  Some people avoid college, marriage, or a new job because they fear the unknown in the changes of life.  They settle on the predictable if it is uncomfortable.  Maybe it’s time for you to put the predictability bumper down to enjoy the beautiful new and growing experiences God has to offer you in life. 

Sometimes we need to put down the bumpers of perfectionism, worry, and predictability for our ball to cross the most and best boards that a life in Christ has to offer.  Enjoy the abundant life promised in the Bible (John 10:10) by growing, learning, and embracing the joy of overcoming exciting challenges in life.  I was proud of Ethan for meeting the challenge and growing from it when he allowed the bumpers to stay down.  Your heavenly Father will be proud of you, too.    

“But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.” – 2 Peter 3:18 


The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength.  Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself.  If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.christiscentral.org.

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Family Forte: Saving Society by Building Family Unity

by: Topher Wiles

A bizarre couplet of communications happened only moments apart this week, inspiring this article about family unity. I was walking to the Coffee Collective for a standard cup of joe when a 75-year-old friend texted me the following message.

“The country has never been this divided, even during the 60’s. I’m seeing long time friendships fray because of political differences, to the point of obscuring the true reasons for bonds that had lasted for years. Not too many things bother me, but this is disturbing for our children. Now is the time for all of us to appeal to better…”

Moments later, a 19-year-old barista was on break and shared, “Topher, what worries me most is that people are so often divided and mean to each other. It boils down to respect and taking time to understand people with a different point of view. The best thing you can do is be nice to people.”

Denny and Malee, I couldn’t agree more. Even though you both come from different backgrounds, perspectives, and generations, you both have voiced a true illness plaguing our society. The Pew Research Center backs your observations with statistics in a November 2020 piece titled, America is Exceptional in the Nature of it’s Political Divide.  Pew sums it all up saying, “America has rarely been as polarized as it is today.”  
https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/11/13/america-is-exceptional-in-the-nature-of-its-political-divide/

I believe the best changes that can be made in a person’s life start early with the first organization God ever created, the family.  The Wiles family is far from perfect in regard to divisions, squabbles, tiffs, and tears, yet we are actively promoting a few premises in our children’s lives to help them overcome the plague in this current generation. Here are a few ideas that work to build our Family Forte that may help yours as well.

  • Teach the idea of “Honor all people.” This mantra is more than a trite saying, it’s a way of life that needs to be repeated often, shouted from the rooftops, and shared with your children.  Most people don’t realize that this is a command handed down through the last 2000 years by one of the most prideful and impetuous disciples of Jesus. In the middle of a discussion about relationships between wives and husbands, slaves and masters, government and citizens, Peter says these direct words, “Honor everyone.” 1 Peter 2:17a. Jesus sets that exact precedent when he chides the religious elite for hypocrisy saying, “As you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.” Luke 6:31-33.  Purposely set this command as one of your primary family rules and remind your children of it often.
  • Display the positives and negatives of unity. Years ago my beautiful bride made a poster from a photograph of young Gabriel and Ethan walking down the road together holding hands. She captioned the bottom with “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brother’s dwell together in unity.” Psalm 133:1. Her goal was to remind our growing boys that the best moments of life come from their common bonds rather than their divisions. In contrast, whenever she questions the kids after a squabble, she has this perfect method for displaying the negatives of division. She asks, “Ethan, how does Clara feel right now? What emotion is on her face? What thoughts are running through her head?”  Invest time with your children in the midst of triumph and trial to reflect on the positive and negative displays that come from unity and division.  
  • Train Complementors, Not Competitors. Boys have this ingrained sense of aggression, competition, and war that starts ooze out of their pores at an early age fueling many fights in families.  When left unchecked it can build into unbridled resentment causing fissures in families many decades later. That innate childhood aggression can be good when turned the right direction, so Ashley and I redirected it. When they were young our boys were not allowed to wrestle, spar, or box with each other, but only with me.  The result was that Gabriel often used his height to attack my upper body while Ethan’s complementary shorter, stockier build to take out my legs! The boys learned the deep abiding truth that they are stronger together than apart. Today, in sporting events such as ping-pong, basketball, and tennis, we still teach them that their job in head-to-head play is to train each other for success against other opponents. Over time their play takes on a new complementary height when they realize they are complementary and not competitors.
  • Model unity at home. Parents, children will do what you do before they do what you say. Do your absolute best to be kind to your wife, in-laws, boss, and community leaders in all moments, especially inside the four walls of your home.  You can voice differing opinions and be strongly opposed to a platform without using inflammatory words or unkind actions.  Your children will see the union you have with others despite your differences and they will follow your example. When they see and seek unity, your family will be blessed for generations to come.  

It was Jesus who taught us a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand. Mark 3:24. Our Lord didn’t direct us to lose our identity, forget our opinions, or quietly submit to every whim of society. Instead, Jesus modelled for us how to honor everyone and live together in unity despite the differences. Friends, the cure for our divisive illness was shared long ago and it is best administered through the family. May you be blessed with unity, peace, and family forte.

The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength.  Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself.  If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.christiscentral.org.