Golden Corral was
where I received one of the biggest shocks of my life, but it had nothing to do
with the food. Here I was, as usual,
finishing off too much of a meal at the delicious dessert buffet when I was
approached by an acquaintance in the community.
I knew little of this 16 year old girl and her values when she
approached me with a smile on her face. My
greeting to her was the same as I would offer any other teen that I met through
church student ministry events. After exchanging
pleasantries, she made the bold proclamation, “My aunt sitting over there
thinks you’re hot and wants to go out with you.” A quick glance in the direction pointed
confirmed this wasn’t a joke and I quickly replied by holding up my left hand,
pointing to my wedding band, and saying, “Thank you for the kind words, but I’m
very happily married.” Yet it wasn’t the
solicitation that shocked me; it was her next words that opened my eyes when the
teenager quickly countered with, “Your wedding ring doesn’t matter; my aunt
wants you.” Dessert forgotten, I made it
clear that I was not interested and high-tailed it out of there!
While some of you
fellas might smile at the thought, I was shocked as I came to the startling
realization that not everyone shares my boundaries. Recently, another teenage girl shared with
my wife and I the struggles of high school dating, saying that other girls
believe no guy is “off-the-market” regardless of how serious of a relationship
they are in.
In a world in
which boundaries, borders, and limitations are increasingly viewed as hindrances
to be grayed, blurred, or removed, I believe our families are suffering.
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| An early warning sign at the Grand Canyon on PublicEditor.com |
Appropriate
boundary setting is a good
thing. Consider what happened at the
Grand Canyon on Tuesday of this
week. An elderly woman plummeted to herdeath, marking her the third fall victim in the area this year alone. In each case, it appears those involved
ignored obvious warnings and boundary signs.
Can you imagine the grief of the families affected by the tragic
losses? Those of us living near Fall
Creek Falls understand the need for boundaries and limits. If you’ve ever stood at the top, you’re
grateful for the rock pillars with timber fencing that keeps most of us from
straying too close to the edge of the falls overlook. Just think back to the sad news story in 2017
of the 10 year old girl who fell over an edge, and you’ll realize the need to
observe appropriate boundaries.
Boundaries keep us safe from potentially harmful situations, whether
they be physical, emotional, or spiritual.
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| Photo Cred: BusinessInsider.com |
Our changing culture
tends to scoff at boundaries. Remember March
of 2017 when Mike and Karen Pence were ridiculed by our culture for theirrelationship boundaries? Twitter users
brewed a storm at Mike’s personal rule to never eat a meal alone with a member
of the opposite sex, but rather invite a third person. Culture commentators were outraged that our
VP wouldn’t allow a female aide to work late hours alone with him. Sarcastic jabs at Karen were levied as Mike
described the measures he would take to avoid even a rumor of marital
infidelity.
Of course, I agree with
those boundaries as I have kept similar rules through my 15 years of marriage. My beautiful wife and I agree that I won’t counsel
a female behind a closed door, but rather in a public place, even often
preferring to find another female to aid in her counsel. I won’t ride alone in a car with another woman
unless she is old enough to be my mother.
My wife and my elders at church each receive a message if I’m called to work
in a close situation with a female (again, never behind a closed door). I agree never to share my personal marriage
struggles secretly with a female friend, but approach my male mentors for
advice. I let females know that Ashley
is usually involved in the message responses I give to women who text me for counsel.
My wonderful wife has all my passwords
to all my media accounts, open access to my cell phone, and the ability to GPS
track my cell phone.
All these guidelines
sound extreme to many people, but for us, they’re essential. Boundaries not only keep me from
metaphorically “falling over the edge” but keep my reputation intact and above
reproach. We haven’t set these rules
because we’ve ever had a question of cheating in our relationship; rather, older
and wiser couples we respect have shared with us what has given them the most
peaceful and joyful relationships at home, at work, and with friends. Some of our friends now have shared the temptations that led them into infidelity. We've tried to learn from others' triumphs and mistakes. Our marriage keeps getting better through the
years and these boundaries are a big part of improving our relationship and
avoiding trust issues. Our boundaries
aren’t limitations, but they are the fences set inside the danger zone that let
us enjoy the overlooks of life without the fear of falling over the edge.
Our Family Forte advice to you teenagers is to seek out the
wisdom of respectable, joyful people as you learn to set boundaries in
relationships, time management, and money.
For you parents, please be vigilant using positive communication as a
tool to help your children establish life-giving boundaries at young ages. We encourage you, the gray-haired
generations, to stay positive and engaged in the lives of youth in our
community as you help them navigate and set appropriate boundaries so they can
enjoy the best views of life. Set and
maintain appropriate boundaries; you’ll be glad you did.
“…I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.” – John 10:10a
For more reading, stats, and surveys on relationship boundaries, click the recent New York Times article HERE.
The word “forte” comes from the latin word “fortis” meaning strength. Our weekly Family Forte article in The Expositor is the effort of family at Central Church of Christ to give your family the love, care, and attention it needs to become a stronger version of itself. If we can help you in any way, please contact us at Central Church of Christ through email, topherwiles@spartacoc.com, or through our website, www.spartacoc.com.